They should really pass out barf bags in church
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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