I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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