since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
