Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
