man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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