Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
