i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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