We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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