Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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