i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
