Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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