just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Randomize
