People in love make me want to vomit
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
