I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
