i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
