no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
