Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
