haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
