If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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