Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
