Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
