i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
