That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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