Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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