What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
