when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
