Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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