wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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