Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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