u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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