You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
