I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
