i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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