my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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