I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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