I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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