guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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