look no pants
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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