i think my mom watched the whole time
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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