i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
bring money and cleavage
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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