I want to walk on stilts...naked
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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