why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My Sexting was not on an AP level
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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