i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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