I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
