Welp...herpes.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
