He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
