i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
is that a dick in a sweater?
Randomize
