I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
