I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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