You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
