based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
